ASK AUNT HELEN Do you honestly think I'm going to solve all your problems for you after you spent decades screwing up your lives? Am I supposed to hold your hands until you pick another "winner"? Here we don't have time for whiners and slackers; you're in... divorce boot camp! E-MAIL TO A FRIEND

I have to kick you into shape I will and you'll love me for it in the end. Because we're going to turn you into real men and real women; seen any of them lately? Anything is possible here because this is Hollywood, baby, and by the time we're finished with you you're going to walk and talk and sound like you're a catch. Developing real character is up to you; I'm not your fairy godmother.

So who wants to go first and tell us how he or she screwed up life so far. Remember, "you can only get there from here " so no matter how pathetic your divorce seems, we've heard it before. I've been married more times than Elizabeth Taylor and she thinks that she's a Dame. Well I didn't need the Queen of England to give me a title; just ask the men I left behind. So what if some of them hate me; did they forget me? NO! Would you rather have someone calling you for a date or writing you a thank you note? Stop whimpering!

I can already see how many of you are going to wash out; you just don't have it in you to make a marriage work. It's the toughest goal in the world because you can't become tough. So you lost, so it hurts, what did you ever achieve that was easy. At least with this goal you can get laid! And if you have the courage to climb Everest, there's real bliss for the taking but at this rate you're never getting past Burbank!

You gambled and you lost, didn't you. I don't see you in the winner's circle ladies and gentlemen. So somewhere between losing yourself and losing your spouse there was a keylight that you missed called mutual respect. Do your crying at home; we're here to work! We've got a tall mountain to climb if we're going to get there before you're too old to get any so keep moving, keep moving and no pushing. I'm the only one who gets to push and I earned it.

Here are a few of the pitiful letters I've received lately. It scares me that the men and women of America have come to this; if you want to keep my attention you better send me something I can get my teeth into. Here's my email :
Ask Aunt Helen at [email protected]

Dear Aunt Helen,

My husband just lost 30 pounds by going to the gym every night. At first I was very proud of him but now I think he's having an affair. What should I do?

Signed, Wife of an ex-couch potato

Dear Ex- wife,

Why weren't you at the gym with him every night? Get the point? Are you so gorgeous? Give me 100 sit-ups! NOW!

Your Aunt Helen

Dear Aunt Helen,

My wife and I have stayed together for the childrens' sake for the past 3 years and I'm sleeping on the sofa because we don't have an extra bedroom. Now, one of the secretaries at my office is giving me "looks". What should I do?

Signed, Sleepless on the sofa

Dear Sleepless, Is the secretary worth half of your savings, all of your children's respect and the heart attack that your wife is going to give you? You weren't even tough enough to make HER sleep on the couch!

Your Aunt Helen

E-MAIL TO A FRIEND