ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

TAKING ANOTHER CHANCE AT LOVE

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Whether you are considering reconciliation with your spouse or with another kind of “ex”, what are the key components for reuniting in love?

When you fell in and out of love with each other, you used a process of thinking and feeling. If you are hoping for a second chance, and if you want to design a fresh start, how will that be dissimilar from just repeating the same old mistakes?

Fear is always what stops us in our lives and in our loves. If one of you worried about finances, and was unable to stay connected to the relationship in the face of monetary challenges, how will you change your response if this happens again? If one of you was frightened about the future of the children or health issues or home life, will you be capable of holding onto love when the same old thoughts reappear? Where was your breaking point and where was your partner’s? The point at which fear overtakes love in your thinking is the moment when your second chance will fail, too. The most common truth in reconciliations is that unless you do the work on yourself before you reunite, there will be less of a chance for a future than there was during your original connection. However, you may begin to see one another, consider the romantic possibilities and embark on the journey of discovery and healing together. Make a list of the 5 most common complaints your spouse expressed to you when you were together. Now consider if any of these statements is accurate; did you really nag; were you cheap? Is it possible you could regain some aspect of your wedding photo appearance?

Dear Divorce Coach,

My wife and I separated last year even though we really love each other. It’s just that we can’t seem to agree about details of money; parenting and sex preferences. But we do love each other and we talk ALL the time. Is there some way for us to get together and have a life?

Sincerely,

Missing Her

Dear Missing,

It is extremely promising that you are in constant communication. When you say that you talk “all the time”, I need to know if you argue, create strategies, or have romantic or sexy conversations. Also, do you each call the other? I am guessing that each of you has a strong need for autonomy and may be reluctant to trust. One useful technique is to put one partner in charge of parenting each month. If you experience that it is safe to trust in one area, then you may begin to allow your trust for one another to expand to money and sex. As you consider solutions to ongoing difficulties, consider each of your areas of strength. I find the Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument (see quote below) to be extremely valuable in coaching clients to appreciate and understand one another.

Sincerely yours,

The Divorce Coach

“The potential power and creativity in a marriage between extreme opposites is immense when each spouse accepts the other’s differences as being legitimate, stimulating, and enhancing. The process of learning to accept those differences can be very difficult, but the rewards of success are well worth the effort.” by Ned Herrmann, inventor of the HBDI, a personalized brain dominance profile in The Creative Brain

Dear Divorce Coach,

If I can’t have him, I just don’t want anyone else! When I think of a future without my husband I just cry and cry. But he’s really tough to live with. Is there hope? What can I do?

Sincerely,

2nd Look with 2nd Sight

Dear 2nd,

How important is it to your partner to reunite? His need to be with you may overcome his need for certain behaviors if you can learn new skills with which to express your needs. If not, can you live with him as he is? This is crucial during reconciliation because he may agree to love and honor but don’t expect him to agree to “alter at the altar”. You are describing a very strong and similar intimate connection which is one basis of your relationship. If you each take the “hbdi”, you will discover your dissimilarities and with coaching, you will be trained to create strategies to bridge them.

Sincerely yours,

The Divorce Coach

“Many people send their energy out- but deep inside they become frightened of what they are asking for. They may not be ready on a spiritual level to receive what they ask for. “Frank Zizzo, PhD., consultant to www.thedivorceforum.com

When we want to reconcile is it due to a deep love? Sometimes it is based on our desperation at not finding “someone better”. When each of you is honest about your motives, and about your feelings and needs, you will find a partner with whom to create a life that will be peaceful and rewarding and it may be your ex. When you take the time to consider ALL your needs and all your partner’s needs, you may begin the strategic planning required to discover Helen Keller’s description that “Life is either a great, daring adventure…or nothing.”

For The 7 STAGES OF LOVE, THE 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE, for 101 DIVORCE SECRETS; A SURVIVAL GUIDE and for answers to your questions: [email protected]